Yesterday as we walked beside the ocean a friend asked when he would feel that his house was his home and his sanctuary… and I had a sense of him being bowled over by a deep and unexpected sense of isolation and loneliness… what struck me is for those of us who live close to the emotional surface, the ability to navigate our own emotions, and wander through melancholy or fear, loneliness or anger, or any other orchestral emotion, is just easier than for those who live far away from this cauldron… and at some point in their lives they stumble unexpectedly into an unknown, uninvited and now over-exposed emotional world… they have neither the words, nor comprehension and in many cases only some slight far-off childhood memory of such a feeling… And I suppose for me the truth is when you become your own sanctuary and take up comfortable residence within, this gets reflected in the external…
Having spent the last few years as my long-suffering friends and family (particularly my sister) will bear testament to… with me consumed with my own melancholy around a broken heart and an unfilled longing and a discomfort with myself. It is astonishing what happens when the veil of your own narcissism lifts and reveals a lightness for so long dampened and a hint of possibility that lights your step… Gratitude not being my strongest suit, I have surrendered somewhat to just being grateful – for everything… not wishing for more or different; or comparisons; or longings; just a deep sense of gratitude… and somewhere profoundly knowing that this knowledge is somehow leading me to the work I will be doing with people – not the eternal optimist with platitudes, rather a pragmatic approach to owning your light and probably more importantly your shadow and all that they together hold and create in such unique melding… Perhaps the sweet spot for Curve of the World is in just such a mirror?
I just met with a guy from the not-for-profit sector who is doing some consulting work for a financial services organisation around establishing a Corporate Social Responsibility program. To help his client he wanted to get my views on what makes for a successful rollout and the creation of a robust and sustainable program… Now that Curve of the World has birthed itself, albeit mainly in my kitchen as it is too hot and humid to sit upstairs in my study, it was actually affirming for me to listen dispassionately to the discussion and realise that I have a body of work and a level of experience that hopefully will find a voice (and income) in time :)… So as always I have to address my endless FEAR… and I love this piece by Kabir, the mystic poet from the 1400s….
When you experience your fear you become fearless.
All other fears merge with that fear.
If you fear that fear, then you will become fearful.
Be fearless, and all your fears will flee.
Okay I am jetlagged and a little dulled with heat but the two enormous folders and 60 hours of pre-workshop reading that need to be completed in the next 10 days have been largely ignored by myself… They are filled with corporate governance, legal requirements and financial literacy … none of which talk with any passion (or understanding) to my overly developed right brain which seems to scramble at the mere sight of these tomes… there is a reason I didn’t do accountancy or law…Just in case you are interested in the warthog family living the good life in my lounge…
Despite traveling heaps and knowing how dreadful it is to arrive with more luggage than the queen… I have never managed to learn how to pack properly, lightly, concisely and with limits…. again a metaphor for the rest of my life…. plentitude, excess, more than required and limitless… today is no exception…. I thankfully have upgraded my flight back to Sydney so I am going to arrive at the airport with a Paris-Hilton-wannabe-chihuahua-beaded warthog in a bag … I commissioned the delightful Eddie (who is a roadside extraordinary sculptor of beaded animals) to make me a baby warthog to go with my other mother warthog who lives in Sydney with me… Having poor spatial skills I figured it would be easily disguised as carry-on luggage… a little tusk or two would be whisked through customs… I collected an enormous yet beautiful teenage warthog yesterday that barely fitted into the boot let alone an overhead locker… so I will swagger on said plane with a hopefully well-behaved warthog…. oh and here is also a pic of the luscious full moon hanging over Table Bay a few nights ago… So it is with a heavy heart that I leave South Africa and have a very real sense that this year is about following my heart – personally and professionally… so who knows….
I don’t have photos, well I do, but I am uniquely challenged with more gadgets in my possession … None of which I actually know how to use… But it is late and I wanted to write… I have just returned from Cape Town tonight – again smitten with her beauty and that clean, Atlantic air… I spent two days working … Odd but I put my high red shoes on the first day and my squashed toes reminded me what work was and what to do… And I even enjoyed it … First night I spent at the luscious Raddisson Blu in Mouille Point…. There was a goddess heavy full moon rising over Table Bay and we drank bubbles and ate delicious seafood and all I could smell was the kelp (fat pieces of stinky seaweed) in the icy Atlantic … It is a smell I miss in my marrow … Australia’s Pacific is beautiful but she is aroma less…I have slept with such abandon since I arrived here but i am sleepless with the unknown of my next step… All I know is that on Sunday I board a flight back to Sydney….