Not particularly moody…

usually that is… but today I do feel out of sorts… tetchy I think is the word… I was in the city this morning having breakfast with a delightful person I met on a recent course… and then I mooched around town for an hour or so waiting for my next appointment… a favour for a friend to meet with a guy around Sustainability… so I perched at a table and waited and waited… and then left… by this time my high-heeled feet were sore and my mood was feeling decidedly dejected… By the time I returned home I was trying to make sense of why today felt “blah” and given I am so in awe of the space at the moment to see patterns and themes here was my initial take on it… Whenever I go back to my old office (I parked there this morning)… it is a physical path I know intimately but also a spiritual and emotional path I know deeply… so I think what emerges for me is a nostalgia around the safety and regularity and sameness of a job… one that knows me well and one I know well… and today as I parked and walked to another part of the city I immediately felt the terror of the unknown and the fear that this freedom of creating my own world may not suit my risk-averse personality… and then of course the frustration at being stood up by dare I say it… a man… and realising that I am so over men not showing up in reliable and honest ways in my life… there is a mirthful end to this lament… I got an email late this afternoon from said man with my attached email which asked him to meet me tomorrow…not today…

2 thoughts on “Not particularly moody…

  1. Yeah. What Cheryl said. I couldn’t have said it better…..Yesterday, I was feeling what you are describing, only it had nothing to do with a man. It was about my local friends. The female ones. Others tell me that I have many who love me. WHERE ARE THEY?… And then I stop and realize that, with my age group, all are busy with their lives, their families, their projects,…. THEIR lives.The way it’s supposed to be. All is well and good in my home and my life, too.
    The beauty of the internet is new people who share the same interests. New places and faces. My new food blog may very well be just a page in my computer, but it reaches the world while I sit like OZ WIZARD pulling the trick levers and playing with all of the bells and whistles, enjoying a mug of coffee and delicate cookies piled high with powdered sugar…If only I could teach the food to dance!…
    Yeah. If only. The old taunts us while the new beckons us. My life slate was wiped blank, two years ago, while I lost my mother and seven old and dear friends. No more immediate family. No more anybody who knew me when. The theatre of all my acts had fallen. I am left with that feeling of homesickness, which is much like what we feel when we leave an old job behind, or move to a new community. We move forward and we re-define ourselves and re-create our life while deep down we are still the same ol’ same ol’, where we feel that life is a trick question with too many multiple choices where we were taught to pick only one.
    Phooey. I stepped off that hamster wheel and into new horizons. I am learning that we can pick more than one.

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